Let me start by saying that this article
does not intend to support the choice of single motherhood. In other words, I
do not advocate that anyone should deliberately choose to be a single mother.
Rather, this article addresses those who did not plan or wish for it, but either
by unplanned pregnancy or death of a spouse, found themselves to be single
mothers.
Parenting is tough, whether as a single parent
or not. From start to finish, you never stop to parent your child. It could get
easier when they are old enough to make decisions and take responsibilities for
themselves. But the relationship of a parent and a child is actually till death
do them part.
I am not a single mother, but I share
the experiences of some friends who are single mothers, and the struggles and pains
they have had to deal with, especially from the early stages of pregnancy to
birth. From a Christian angle, single mothers who got pregnant outside marriage
face a more daunting task of bringing up their children, and that is because it
is “something that should never have happened”. Yes, the bible we live by does
not advocate for
pregnancy outside marriage, and
the reasons are obvious aside from a moral point of view. But the demoralizing
experiences Christian single mothers face is in no way biblical as well. I am
not going to bother going into the shame and hostility from “fellow Christians”. It is already a tough call for a single
Christian woman gets pregnant outside the marriage environment. And then to add hostility to it is wicked in the real sense of the word.
Sometimes I wonder if these “righteous Christians” do not realize that these
women had a choice to abort the pregnancy and avoid the shame from it. But they
rather chose to say that one mistake is enough and chose to keep the pregnancy.
That’s a tough decision that only a courageous and honorable woman can take.
Unfortunately, only the woman gets the heat because of the evidence of a
pregnancy. Trust me, if men do get
pregnant, there would be more pregnancy and abortions amongst single men than
women.
WHAT TO DO IF YOU SUDDENLY FIND OUT YOU
ARE PREGNANT WITHOUT A SUPPORTING PARTNER.
· Don’t beat or condemn yourself over
making a wrong choice in a relationship. Everyone makes mistakes. Besides, it
takes courage to be a parent. So if anyone walks away from that responsibility,
they are cowards and do not belong in your life or the life of your child.
Having a child outside wedlock and without a partner is not the end of your
life or dreams. Do not be afraid. You can still achieve your dreams and be
whatever you have planned to be. If you let this stick in your head, there will
be a sense of hope, and that hope will be your best ally for the period of
pregnancy and onward.
· Be flexible –
Expecting a child brings with it a lot of changes to your life generally. Your
old friends who are accepting of you still matter, but you will need a
new breed of friends, especially those who have been in your shoes. Experience
is the best teacher. Time is another thing you will have to adjust to. You will
slow down, and it is okay; just keep moving. Physical changes also come with
pregnancy. As discomforting as they can be, they are glorious regardless. If
you are a self- proclaimed diva that dresses in a signature way, it is
definitely going to change. Accept that change with grace, and make the best of
it.
· Don’t look back! There are times you
will be tempted to look back at what you were or should be, and what has become
of you. That is a bad idea. It will drain you of hope, and get you spiraling
downwards. You could actually become depressed and that would pose a serious
danger to you and your unborn child. Accept your new life and see it through
the eyes of faith. Remember it would not have been any easier if you had had an
abortion, except you have no conscience. You would have been forced to live
with the guilt of having had an abortion, and probably blame any misfortune on
it for the rest of your life. That is a more difficult road to take, and you
don’t want to settle for that.
· Make a list of the things you hope to
achieve as a parent (for your child) and as an individual. Like I said earlier,
having a child should not be the end of your life. If you make no plans for
yourself, you will feel cheated, blame your child for it, and probably transfer
your frustration or aggression on that child. As you make plans for your baby,
make plans for yourself and find the balance. Make sure they are realistic
plans. Actually, your child should come first in every decision you make. This
is because if you fail as a mother, you have failed completely in life. Your
child will not only be a terror to you, but also to his immediate environment.
Only you can decide the path your child will take. If you planned to go back to
school, work out a time frame to do so. Remember you have a child you are going
to be responsible for, so this comes with getting a job and saving
aggressively.
· As you prepare for a tough road ahead,
look forward to a rewarding end. Regardless of the criticism, shame or
hostilities you have suffered, keep in mind that very few people are brave
enough to take the decision you have taken to keep your baby. Children are a
gift, as the good book says. Every gift comes in a package, and your responsibility
is to unwrap it carefully to reveal its beauty. Grooming your child
successfully is the same as unwrapping your gift and then enjoying the
blessings that come with having a child. There is no regret for any parent who
takes time to put in all the resources they can afford to train their child in
the way they should go. In turn, those children become a source of pride and
joy.
Read stories of successful single
mothers. There are many stories as such on the internet, and these stories will
encourage and guide you in your new role. Steve Jobs was the child of a single
mother. She was not capable of taking care of him, and so she decided to give
him up for adoption. But she carefully chose his path by making sure he was
adopted by a couple who could give her son the kind of life she could not give
him. They were educated and brought him up in the same path. Dr. Ben Carson’s
mother was an uneducated single mother as well. But she knew the importance of
education and bringing up her boys properly. She worked hard for it, and today
her boys are her pride and joy.
Dreams and goals end in the grave. With
your child on your left hand and your dreams on your right hand, take the
gentle stride to success. Nothing you imagine to do will be impossible.
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