LAUGH IT OFF

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

     

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A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing isn't as good as it used to be. What should I do?" The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Still no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"




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A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley
 motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?”
The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix ‘em, put ‘em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?”
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic…
“Try doing it with the engine running.”


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A German man, American man and Russian man
 were lost in a forest and were captured by cannibals. The king of the 
cannibals told the three friends that they could live if they passed a 
trial. 

The 1st step was to go deep into the forest and get 10 pieces
 of the same kind of fruits. The three men went their separate ways to gather fruits. The German man came back and said to the king, "I brought 10 apples". The King explained the trial to him. 

King: You have to swallow the fruits without any expression on your face or you will be killed. The first apple went in, but on the second one, he winced out in pain, so he was killed. 

The
 American arrived and showed the king 10 berries. When the king 
explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be
 easy ...1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter and was killed. The German and American met in heaven. The German man asked, "Why
 did you laugh, you almost got away with the trial?"  The American man 
replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the Russian man coming with Watermelons!!!